Love & Marriage

I had a dream the other night that I got married again. I have no idea to whom, I just know it was in the future. It was really weird. The only thing I remember is being panicked about what would happen afterwards….where we would live, where would our kids go to school (so Dream Husband had kids, too), how would we condense two households into one, who would carry the health insurance or would we both….yes, it’s true. Houses and health insurance. No love and happily ever after, but all practicalities. (Which we obviously hadn’t settled before the wedding – WHAT??!?!?!?)

 

It really threw me for a few days. All I could think about, actually, was that dream and the idea of marrying again someday.  If you had asked me even three months ago, I would have proclaimed the idea utterly ridiculous. Never, no way, no how. Now…well, it’s a firm “Who knows?” and “someday…maybe.” Which leads into those practicalities that came up in my dream….it’s a lot to handle. I mean,  a widow with two young children, an elderly dog, and an even more elderly house is no one’s idea of a dream girl.  Which is okay. I’m not a young, carefree, unencumbered woman any longer, so the idea that someone would have to really work to know and love me, well, that’s not a bad thing. Right? Right. But it’s a lot to think about….blending your life (and your children and your household and your furniture and your dishes) with someone. Plus doing all of that while keeping the memory of your deceased spouse alive for your children….keeping their pictures and things around, too. I repeat, a LOT to take on. 

 

It also got me thinking a lot about love. I mean, do we just get one shot at it? Our one true love? That’s the generally accepted theory. And really, it’s greedy to expect lightning to strike twice, right? I’ve asked these questions of some of my nearest and dearest….all of whom disagreed with me. They’ve said that it’s not greedy to want to be loved and desired and appreciated like that again (I get that, I do). All have said that in love cut short by death, it’s not uncommon to find love again. That perhaps more than one is meant for you, in the different stages of life. One person went on to say that the love you find after a great loss, is a different kind as what you need from a person changes. 

 

I read this piece that stuck with me. It was a man wondering if he would marry again if he lost his wife, and wow, did it hit home for me. So many of those points – the whole getting to know someone and used them and their quirks…learning to live with them and those quirks. The thought of going through that again? It’s exhausting!! Not to mention, tossing kids into that mix…oy. I know for a fact that I’m not an easy person to know, communicate with, or live with…I’m not. I’m difficult, stubborn, opinionated, overthink, spend too much time in my own head, and often procrastinate. Who would want to put up with that? The other person is likely the same, and do I really have the patience at this stage of my life to handle that? Who knows?

 

My counselor asked me if I was having trouble around other people in relationships…it’s common, I guess, for it to be upsetting after being widowed. Honestly, I have not. But lately….I wouldn’t say it’s trouble so much as jealousy. I really, really miss that part of my life….I miss someone telling me I'm beautiful, that I'm valued, having someone to talk to, the intimacy (and not just sex - the little things, too - hand-holding and hugs and cuddling on the couch), sharing responsibility, all of it. It’s another part of loss – you lose the person and all they were to you, as well.

 

And then the guilt kicked in….because really, what on earth am I doing having this dream and this crazy inner dialogue when my husband hasn’t even been gone for eight months yet? I felt awful (though my friends repeatedly assured me I should not, that it was normal to think about these things). Sigh. Which I know, of course, is true. It is normal. It’s normal to look at other families and be jealous of what they have and miss what I’ve lost. It’s normal to wonder if I’ll ever find someone else.

 

It’s a little crazy in my head sometimes. I have to remind myself that I need to let go of what I can’t control (and we all know that NO ONE can control love!), and just be. If this past year has taught me anything, it’s that we shouldn’t take a single second for granted. So I won’t waste time beating myself up over normal thoughts. I won’t waste time worrying about what might happen to me someday. I won’t waste time wondering how I could someday blend my life with someone else’s. Instead, I’ll spend my time being me….learning to take care of myself, taking care of my kids, and enjoying life as much as I can.  We’re all only here for a little while, after all.

 

“Love wins.”  - Glennon Doyle Melton