They Do
I went to a wedding on Saturday. A grown-up, dressed-up, adult beverage-enjoying, inappropriate comments-flowing, shenanigans-loving, dancing-for-hours wedding! I had been looking forward to it for a while - a kid-free, dressed up night? Yes, please! A beautiful, stylish friend lent me an awesome dress, and I even got to buy new shoes (how on earth I didn't have a pair of black heels, I have no idea, but now I do!). I seriously turned into a teenage girl - God bless my girlfriends!! They helped with everything, kept me laughing, and complimented me endlessly. I couldn't tell you the last time I dressed up for something (that wasn't a funeral), so it was a big deal! And I felt great. I felt normal. The bartender even complimented me (she loved my coat), which was a nice ego-boost.
Honestly, I had no reservations about going to the wedding. It didn't even occur to me that I should or might until my counselor asked me, "Are you okay with it? Seeing a couple in love and getting married?" It is hard for grieving spouses to do, commonly - and understandably. But that is one thing that has not been an issue for me - I have no problem with happy couples and love and all that jazz. Do I feel the pang of my loss a bit more intensely when confronted with it? Surely. Do I feel some jealousy and longing for my own? Certainly. But this life we get? Well, love's the best damn thing about it, right? So, I remain ridiculously sentimental and romantic - I love love. It makes me happy to see people in love, finding love, and enjoying love. I love when love wins (thank you, G @ Momastery).
So it was with some surprise that I found myself teary several times that day. During the ceremony, prayers were offered to "all the loved ones of the family and friends present who are no longer with us." Thinking of Mike and Suzanne and the bride's beloved aunt, the tears gathered...I managed to breathe them back. As cocktail hour began and my friends and I all took our seats, getting drinks and chatting, I noticed Etta James' "At Last" playing. My friend Betsy was singing it from the other side of the table. I smiled at her and said, "This was my wedding song." (It was hers, too, which I just loved.) The minute the sentence was out of my mouth, my throat tightened up. I looked away from my friends towards the other side of the room until the tears went away (I had to wipe these away). Later on, as I was fighting with my phone over storage issues to take pictures (grrr!!!), KB, my dear friend -and date for the night- said, "Hey, what was that? Let me see your wallpaper pic." It was the last picture taken of Suzanne and I....taken about 2 weeks before she died...it's been my wallpaper since the minute KB sent it to me, over two years ago. He said, "I thought that was what it was. I love that picture. Come here." He hugged me super tight, and I may or may not have sniffled on his shoulder for a second or two. Then we smiled and went back to our ridiculously awesome and fun friends. (We had the #besttableever at this wedding, I'm telling you. Our friends rock.) Having someone who truly understands is an incredible blessing.
Overall, I had an absolutely wonderful time. SO much laughter and shenanigans and drinks and new friends and silliness and love. My stomach hurt the next day from all the laughing - isn't that the best feeling? I woke up smiling (even though it was 6:15 a.m., thanks to my son, and I hadn't gotten home until after midnight) and missing my friends! The best signs of a great night. The little moments of sadness, well, they are a part of my life every day. Perhaps just a little more pronounced as this was such a special day. I know the people I was missing most were smiling down (they always did love a good party), and their love is always something to smile about.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Honestly, I had no reservations about going to the wedding. It didn't even occur to me that I should or might until my counselor asked me, "Are you okay with it? Seeing a couple in love and getting married?" It is hard for grieving spouses to do, commonly - and understandably. But that is one thing that has not been an issue for me - I have no problem with happy couples and love and all that jazz. Do I feel the pang of my loss a bit more intensely when confronted with it? Surely. Do I feel some jealousy and longing for my own? Certainly. But this life we get? Well, love's the best damn thing about it, right? So, I remain ridiculously sentimental and romantic - I love love. It makes me happy to see people in love, finding love, and enjoying love. I love when love wins (thank you, G @ Momastery).
So it was with some surprise that I found myself teary several times that day. During the ceremony, prayers were offered to "all the loved ones of the family and friends present who are no longer with us." Thinking of Mike and Suzanne and the bride's beloved aunt, the tears gathered...I managed to breathe them back. As cocktail hour began and my friends and I all took our seats, getting drinks and chatting, I noticed Etta James' "At Last" playing. My friend Betsy was singing it from the other side of the table. I smiled at her and said, "This was my wedding song." (It was hers, too, which I just loved.) The minute the sentence was out of my mouth, my throat tightened up. I looked away from my friends towards the other side of the room until the tears went away (I had to wipe these away). Later on, as I was fighting with my phone over storage issues to take pictures (grrr!!!), KB, my dear friend -and date for the night- said, "Hey, what was that? Let me see your wallpaper pic." It was the last picture taken of Suzanne and I....taken about 2 weeks before she died...it's been my wallpaper since the minute KB sent it to me, over two years ago. He said, "I thought that was what it was. I love that picture. Come here." He hugged me super tight, and I may or may not have sniffled on his shoulder for a second or two. Then we smiled and went back to our ridiculously awesome and fun friends. (We had the #besttableever at this wedding, I'm telling you. Our friends rock.) Having someone who truly understands is an incredible blessing.
Overall, I had an absolutely wonderful time. SO much laughter and shenanigans and drinks and new friends and silliness and love. My stomach hurt the next day from all the laughing - isn't that the best feeling? I woke up smiling (even though it was 6:15 a.m., thanks to my son, and I hadn't gotten home until after midnight) and missing my friends! The best signs of a great night. The little moments of sadness, well, they are a part of my life every day. Perhaps just a little more pronounced as this was such a special day. I know the people I was missing most were smiling down (they always did love a good party), and their love is always something to smile about.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Comments
Post a Comment